A STRUGGLE TO BELONG

OF ALL THE HOT-BUTTON issues the church faces today, perhaps none is so inflammatory as homosexuality. The mere mention of the word sparks volatile emotions in almost everyone. But this incendiary atmosphere can blind us to the needs of real people around us who are living with this dilemma. Every day hundreds of thousands of Adventist young people1 around the world struggle to understand their confusing feelings of being different. Instead of sharing the pleasant and exciting emotions their classmates experience around members of the opposite sex, they realize that, for them, these emotions are called forth by members of their own sex. They wear holes in the carpet, praying that God will change their desires.

As you read Kevin's story, try to put aside all your preconceived ideas and imagine yourself in his place. Kevin grew up in a typical small Adventist church. At a very early age he gave evidence of his talent for music by picking out hymns on the old piano in the corner of the fellowship hall during potluck. Within a few years he was in constant demand to play and sing for church, prayer meetings, evangelistic meetings and Ingathering. It was in boarding academy that Kevin particularly began to recognize that, as he put it, he must have been “born on the wrong planet. A disturbing sense of displacement haunted him as he yearned to be part of the exciting social scene around him.

He dreaded banquets. Wanting to be normal like the other guys, he would ask a girl to accompany him, then sit next to her while secretly dreaming of being with the cute guy across the table. The worst part was walking her back to her dorm and trying to tell her what a nice time he had had, while other boys were hiding behind the bushes trying to sneak a good-night kiss. Then he would escape into the darkness, feeling half relief and half devastation. Slowly and subtly, Kevin began to hate himself for the feelings he had always had. But it remained his own private hell, since he couldn't talk about it to anyone. He buried his sadness in working hard to get top grades and participating in all the extracurricular activities, hoping to win the love and respect of people he thought would reject him if they knew who he really was.

When he went away to college, it was only natural for Kevin to enroll in the theology curriculum; church had always been the most important part of his life. But a little voice inside suggested it might be wise to take a music major, too, because he knew he couldn't be a minister if he was like that. Sometimes he walked the dark streets of the college town late at night, crying and asking God through his tears, Can't you change me?

Graduation brought a job as assistant pastor and boys dean in an academy. Kevin found his niche in working with young people, who respected and appreciated him. Later he became a music instructor at a large, well-known academy. For some years he was able to ignore his feelings as he poured himself into his work.

One day, as he was reading a Christian magazine he saw an ad that promised, Hope for homosexuals. He had never seen that word in print before. Gathering his courage, he hesitantly contacted the ex-gay ministry and asked for their materials, which included a set of tapes. He listened to the tapes as he drove three hours each way every week to counsel with an Adventist therapist in a desperate effort to overcome his problem.

Kevin spent a summer doing commercial fishing, leaving his car in the school secretary's garage while he was gone. On his return in the fall he was greeted with a phone call from the church pastor. Feeling like a deer caught in the headlights, he listened in stunned silence as the pastor told him that a tape, The Roots of Homosexuality, had been found in his car. He was summoned before an intimidating array of pastors, principles and conference officials. After questioning him, they told him to wait in the janitor's closet while they decided his fate. It was the loneliest 15 minutes of his life.

When he came out of the closet he was given a choice: resign or be fired. This was the ultimatum of the leaders of his church, and he obediently complied. But oh, how humiliated and alone he felt! What would his fellow teachers think? How could he face his students? How would he tell his parents he had lost his job?

The educational superintendent held out the hope that if he could prove he was cured he might be able to find another job in a different part of the country. So Kevin kept going to meetings and counseling sessions. He dated women, trying to show he was serious about changing. Finally he decided to ask another singer, a good friend with whom he frequently performed, to marry him.

It didn't take them long to realize their marriage was a mistake. Sitting together in front of the fireplace, Kevin confessed his orientation and they wept together. They stuck it out for a few years, but eventually parted as friends. Kevin took stock of his life. Prayer hadn't changed him. Counseling hadn't changed him. The ex-gay ministry hadn't changed him. Marriage hadn't changed him. Indeed, God hadn't changed him. Could it be that God loved him just the way he was?

Kevin's loving, supportive parents helped him move to another part of the country where he could start a new life. He opened a piano studio and was soon fully booked. But he desperately missed his work with the church, and was thrilled when the pastor of a nearby church called him one day. This congregation was young, enthusiastic and wanted a strong music program. Would Kevin be their worship director? He was eager to accept, but having been burned once, he decided to tell the pastor frankly that he was gay.

Are you willing to sign a statement that you are living by Bible standards? asked the understanding pastor, himself the brother of a gay man.

Assured that the knowledge would be just between the two of them, Kevin gladly signed and was soon busily involved with his beloved church music again. The members loved him and his exuberant personality. The church grew and prospered.

After several years a new pastor came. The outgoing pastor acquainted him with Kevin's background and dependability. But the new pastor was uncomfortable with this arrangement. He simply could not let the matter rest. Time went by and eventually he called Kevin into his office for a talk.

I want to help you, he told Kevin. I can exorcise your demon of homosexuality. After his previous experiences trying to change, Kevin was understandably skeptical and declined the pastor's offer. The pastor then felt compelled to bring the matter before the church board. The news quickly spread through the church. Initially shocked, most members felt Kevin had done nothing wrong and strongly supported him. A few, because they confused homosexuality with pederasty, were afraid to have Kevin around their children.

Kevin was dismayed and devastated. He appreciated the support of his many friends, but was saddened as he watched the congregation split. Eventually, the church was closed because of this and other problems. Kevin began playing for a gay church in the city, as he saw hope of ever having an active part in the Adventist church fade.

From his earliest memories Kevin loved his church and his God. He dedicated his many talents to God's service. In spite of sincere and sustained efforts to change his homosexual orientation, Kevin finds his attractions unchanged. Does God love him anyway? How do you think God would have handled the situation in the academy where Kevin was teaching music? In the church where he was worship director? How does God feel about the multiplied thousands of other Kevins who have left the church in despair? What do you think God expects of homosexuals today? How do you think God wants us to respond to homosexuals in our congregations? To their heartbroken families? To those who have left the church?

1 A confidential survey conducted around the world except in North America reveals that approximately 10 percent of church members struggle with a homosexual orientation.

» Carrol Grady writes from Snohomish, Wash.

(Vol. 13, Issue 1, p. 18,19)